progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything...

Today I have a "before and after" set of quotes, from how I felt earlier in the week to now - compliments of Mr. John Lennon.

Sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of negativity and depression. It has a snowball effect, and one bad feeling can easily turn into all of the bad feelings you can think of...

It's a shame happiness doesn't work the same way - but being positive and in control of your thoughts can really help you to deal with the bad times. Lately, as noted in my previous posts, I had let those feelings overwhelm me, and while they are not as serious as they have been, I don't take feeling that way lightly.

Luckily for me, the week off from classes has allowed me to clear my mind and get back on a positive track. I can't keep saying "I'll stop smoking Monday" or the 1st or whatever BS excuse. The time is NOW. If you're planning on being different just be different.

Change.

All I want to do is feel as amazing as I deserve to feel. I KNOW that I am a beautiful person, in and out, and would like to believe in that more.

We're at a turning point in April, and it better be the big change!

This marks 5 months until Hawaii, then my brothers wedding

and 3 months until I'm supposed to run a 5k.

Well, as far as Hawaii goes, I've been chubby there before, my sister-in-law will love me on the wedding day either way, but the 5K MARATHON ISN'T GOING TO CUDDLE ME AND TELL ME IT LOVES ME, OR THAT ITS OKAY TO BE CHUBBY ON THE BEACH.

Nope, just gotta RUN that shit.

I need to get back in the gym and on my running

This is key to my positivity. I need to feel great about myself, and in order for that to happen I need to get in shape and feel healthy and confident.

AND...  I can't wait - beacuse it is happening starting NOW.





it's no suprise to me I am my own worst enemy

Well, that about sums it up!

I did get back into the gym this week to re-start my couch 2 5 K program. I have a 5k to run in July and glob knows i'm not ready for it now. I haven't smoked cigarettes this week, but it's the best friends birthday so I'm assuming this will include drinking and smoking and being mad at myself on Monday. Thank glob I don't have another birthday after next week for a few months. Hopefully that will let me get on track, and take some time off from the bad habits with enough time to form new better ones.

I started reading the Power of Now which is great, and it is really helping me get in touch with myself. If I can conquer my thoughts and become in touch with myself I'll be much happier :)
although i'm sure that is easier said than done.

Until Sunday, or Monday - we'll see if I have defeated my lack of self control or if i've blown it again... -_-

wish me luck

we all need a little more room to live

Feeling pretty good today, every day is different but I know that the bad ones will be outweighed by the good. Trying to stay positive and I'm thankful for the people around me who help me to keep smiling and working hard each day.

I'm still stressing out about this internship dilemma. I'm so surprised my school didn't do anything placement wise and here I am sending my resume to any place I can find just so that I can meet the required hours. I guess whatever happens will happen, and I will find something. I'm torn between just going to my friend's job, which I know I will be accepted at, or to keep trying to find something in my field. I'm determined to graduate this December, but maybe I'd be better off finishing all of my classes and then interning in January. Decisions, decisions - they are not my favorite.

I'm feeling much happier, maybe because I force myself to be. When I feel down, I know that it is just a low but it's hard to get out sometimes. It gets bad and I feel like i'm drowning. I'm not morbidly depressed or anything, but some days I do feel like giving up.

This is the week that I am really going to try not to drink. I made some questionable decisions this last weekend, and that makes me feel bad about myself. I wish I was a normal person who could just go out and have a drink socially, but I have no control over it. It's bad, but more often than not it is a blackout night - and that is really bad. I'm freaking 23 and just want to be able to go out with my friends, but as fun as I (apparently) am I'm always feeling bad afterwards. Not a hangover, but emotionally awful. It is a depressant after all.

So. What's holding me back from just changing? Only I am. I'm pretty sure I can't stop seeing my friends and avoid the party scene that I'm so involved in. I always say "I haven't drank a lot lately" but when I look at the week I have, in fact, drank maybe twice at work duing the week (my job is pretty lame, happy hour helps) and on the weekends (where the blackouts generally occur). So I'm trying to admit that I have a problem, but since my life is so busy and I'm doing so well (I'm great at my job, and 3.9 GPA in school) I feel ridiculous claiming to have a problem. (well, I guess not claiming to have one, maybe actually having one).

It's really hard to try and figure out how to deal with this... Too bad the weather is so shitty, i'm hoping to find a lot of activities to do when it's nicer out. I need to get in shape. I feel like all of my problems stem from my self esteem. If I didn't feel so uncomfortable with my body and the way I look I don't think i'd be getting wasted and stupid all of the time. I like to smoke, but it makes me upset that I cannot get through a day without getting fucked up in some way. It's a little bit of escape from my thoughts. I hate being alone, especially at night when I'm trying to go to bed - just me and my stupid thoughts, and they don't stop. That's been better too, but I do have some help with that.

I think I have such a hard time changing because i'm scared of failing. It's so negative but I feel like no matter what I do I will always be how I am now. I should get over this, considering who I am now in comparison to who I was only 2 years ago. The change is a complete 180, well... I guess not - but where it counts (to the outside world more than to myself). Now i'm just left here, doing all of the things I know need to be done, but still feeling unfulfilled. Life sure is funny that way, although I guess from cleaning up after I was mixed up with some REAL BAD stuff I realize that I wasn't happy when I was doing that either... And now I've just watered it down to things that are (mostly) legal. The important thing is that I know I am just masking my bad feelings in doing this. It's such a bad cycle though, since alcohol makes me gain weight, get drunk munchies and break my (normally) healthy diet, and then feel super sad for like a week.

How silly am I? All I want to do is feel happy and healthy, and all I want to do is get in my own way of it...

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. - Andy Warhol

So, here's the deal... I am currently in the best place I've ever been in my life! Great? It definitely is, but there are so many tribulations that go along with my new and improved life. I almost feel like i'm complaining when I shouldn't be, but I can't help how I feel - so why not blog about it? It wouldn't surprise me if nobody ever read this, and that would be okay with me... I just need an outlet, somewhere to vent.

Where was I before now? I've always been smart, that lucky smart where you don't have to study and you just always do well, even when you're cramming last minute - so that has been my  saving grace. Prior to now, I was confused about who I was and why I was the way I am, and unfortunately my idea of dealing with it was just not caring at all and being a real wild child (to say the least). I have put mysef into a lot of horrible situations, and suffered the consequences of these decisions mentally and physically. I've been near death more than once, yet it never seemed to phase me. Thinking back I really can't imagine not caring, because of the way I feel now, but this is the past we're talking about.

Why do people do these things? You may figure I had a bad life, had some abusive family member, or whatever other things that could contribute to someone behaving the way I did. Well, there is the first wrong assumption you'll make. I have a picture perfect family, the most amazing parents in the world that do everything I could ask for and have made it possible for me to have every opportunity I've ever wanted, and awesome siblings that are all (relatively) normal people. Nobody's perfect, but when it comes to my life at home i'd say it's pretty damn close. Prior to now, my parents completely supported me, paying my car insurance and credit card, and supplying me with money at my request. Please do not twist this into them enabling me, I used to blame them for not understanding everything I was going through, but they couldn't understand and it's reasonable - I was doing some crazy shit and even I can't understand it. They just always had faith in the person they knew I was, and i'm so grateful I didn't lose their support because I could not be where I am without it.

I guess I got sad when the normal bullshit that happens to teen girls started happening for me. I was overweight, a tomboy, and really believed it would never be any different. I made a friend who virtually turned me into a girl, and from there it's history. With no self esteem, I made a lot of bad decisions confusing physical relationships with real emotions, which is not actually the case in real life. I was so sad. I thought I'd never be pretty, I used to cut myself, and in retrospect it seems to crazy that I ever could have been this miserable girl. I battled depression with self medication from tenth grade on, and I guess the point of this whole thing is that I'm kind of still dealing with it now. It's nothing like it was, but sometimes sadness gets overwhelming and you can't help but allow negativity to swallow you.

Love, I suppose, is always a factor. So the brief history on love... I've had several relationships over the years but only one holds any meaning to me. It ended nearly 3 years ago, and now it feels like all of the things that make me happy are a little less fulfilling because I'm not sharing them with him. "HIM" is the 20 minutes out of our 5 year relationship that WAS amazing, and WAS who I loved with everything I had in me. I would have changed my world to be happy and make him happy because I've never felt the way I felt about him for anything. Unfortunately, that was only 20 minutes out of the whole time, and the rest was not the best. The times I needed him, as a friend - not a boyfriend, were the times that he failed the most and I could never forgive the things that he did (or didn't do). The end came around my 21st birthday, when he ignored me at my party (in the bar he worked at with all of OUR friends) and then took a girl we knew home instead of me... This was a week after he came on a fully paid for family vacation with me, after my mom was fighting to change his dishonorable discharge from the military due to his PTSD (his mom is a drunk, his dad is disabled from an accident) and after my family had accepted him as their own. I do have to give him credit though, before this relationship I had little to no relationship with my family. Being with someone who they loved and made me finally feel happy, allowed us to get so close - and I will never regret our relationship for that reason. SO - in short, I am/I was in love with a fictional character and knowing that is what keeps me strong. I know that I would never be with him again, but I feel detached from love and do not pursue relationships now. I'm too busy, at this time, to have a relationship - but i'm pretty horrified of ever feeling that way again... and I know it will be a long time before that happens.

So, I've lied, cheated, and stolen without feeling guilt. My heart has been shattered, and I've done a lot of  really REALLY stupid dangerous things - and I can't be more thankful that I have no criminal record, no DUI, and no permanent physical damage from them.

I'm not sure what made me decide to get my shit together, but I can tell you what has certainly helped... My family - I still get cranky and have bad days, and don't always do what they consider "right", but they are the greatest gift I could have ever been given out of life. I can't emphasize enough how freakin lucky I am because they are truly amazing. My friends. I have a handful of friends (after no more Mr. Wonderful I left behind all of the friends we shared to try and move on with my life and avoid him) but I'd rather have a few friends like the ones I have, than have a lot of friends that mean nothing. My best friend is my rock, and without her daily pep talks and inspirational quotes and pushing me to improve myself, I would have given up a long time ago. We are both in school, both working full time, living lives with insane schedules, but we support each other and I couldn't function without her.

Now, don't take this wrong - but i'm doing really great in life now. I started working full time nearly two, three years ago (when Mr. Wonderful stopped being a part of life). I asked Mom and Dad to stop giving me money, started paying my car insurance and credit cards, and started to learn how to support myself (financially). Granted, I live at home rent free, but doing stupid shit all of the time on your own dime is less appealing than doing it on mom and dads. Saving money isn't my strong suit, but I have definitely improved my habits and fully support myself financially. I have a 401K and have to go so far as to give my parents my credit cards (so I don't use them on a whim) and I carry a small amount of cash on me in case of an emergency.

College... I've been going to college since 2007 when I graduated high school. I've attended four schools in total, taken one semester off (to start working and supporting myself), and failed out of once school - because I stopped going to sit around and smoke weed with Mr. Wonderful. Now, like I metioned earlier, school is a breeze no matter what kind of shenanigans i'm partaking in - so other than failing the classes I didn't attend, I have done pretty well for someone who doesn't try very hard. I currently am two semesters away from graduating with my Bachelor's degree (FINALLY) and I have a cumulative 3.9 GPA (GENIUS). I'm super proud to be in the Honor's Society and on the Principal's List #nerdboner - and I ABSOLUTELY talk about it because I'm damn proud, intelligence is so important, and being surrounded by unintelligent people and seeing the way society is shaping kids makes me want to ring the bells on how smart I am even more. (so get over it - if you got it flaunt it!) 

So what is the freaking problem?

With my incredibly busy schedule, I don't have the time I would like to dedicate to working out more and getting in shape. The one thing I would kill to change is my body, and I know it sounds like petty shit - but I eat really healthy (for the most part) and work really hard at it but I have a thyroid disease, which makes it freaking impossible to lose the stubborn weight. That's not the most important thing though. I feel empty because I see everyone around me having relationships and being happy - and whenver I am even approached by a guy I never let anything happen because (and this sounds batshit crazy) I feel there is something wrong with a guy if he thinks i'm attractive (due to my negative self image). That isn't really important either because I know that someday i'll find someone who loves me for me, blah blah blah... But how can I ever let anyone in if I can't love myself?

Within my friends I am constantly a go to person for advice and I do have a lot of life experience backing it up. I really enjoy helping people, and have always been drawn to those who are troubled (lucky me right?) and try and fix their problems ie:Mr Wonderful and his wonderfully fucked up life. My own issues make me feel like a hypocrite and I long to be able to practice what I preach. I have some great advice to give, but i'm sitting here letting myself be unhappy due to my own decisions.

So here's the nitty gritty - the stuff I am literally unable to say outloud, or write in a journal that someone could potentially find, or even fully admit to myself. I know what my problems are. I know how to fix them. I just can't let go of that piece of the old me that weighs me down. So, for example, how do I lose weight? I stop smoking pot and having the munchies, losing my drive, and I stop drinking two-three times a week like a friggen alcoholic. Easier said than done, as noted in my past repetative drug use despite the severe dangers and physical signs that stopping is in my best interest. EASY! SO JUST DO THAT. How do I change the things that connect me with the people i'm surrounded by? I have been considering going to meetings, but I feel stupid because people have real problems and I just smoke a little weed and drink at happy hour on break at work, and on the weekends. Doesn't seem to bad, but when I think about it or talk with my doctor, I always catch myself saying "I haven't drank in a while" or "I haven't been smoking a lot", but in reality, I do one or the other pretty much every day.

So I'm stuck here repeating bad behavior, but doing so well in life. I'm killin it at school, I'm super well liked and respected at my job... looking in on it I seem to be pretty much owning at LIFE. But that's not how I feel and now i'm facing the decision of trying to avoid "people places and things" and clean my act up. But i'm going to lose my friends and i'm going to have to learn how to live a better life. In order to cleanse yourself of these things I know (from knowledge of the program) that the first thing you do is let everyone who you "indulge" with know that you can no longer do sed activity because you're now in recovery... WOMP WOMP

In reality, I wish I could just move away and start over somewhere with a clean slate. But I guess that's what everyone says, right?

I just can't think of any other ideas on how to fix this, aside from finding some magic "will power" potion. As soon as I commit (in my mind) to stopping these things, I wind up in some sort of downward spiral where "I NEED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE" or my best friend hits me up to grab a beer, or smoke a blunt. I get depressed and then self medicate - and this is why I know that stopping is the only way to fix it. Dealing with reality is really hard, and i'm upset that the only way I can get through a week is by getting fucked up - or that i'm sitting here telling you that the only way I know how to relax is to get high after a long day at school or work.

How do all of the people who have never drank done it? I could ask my mom and dad who never had a cigarette, dad who only got drunk once in his life, AND HATED IT (imagine that?). I could ask a lot of people, but I can't go back in time and say no to that first puff, that first sip, all the firsts I wish I could take back now.

I'm frustrated and upset, and constantly battling with myself. I almost wish that the way I felt was at all reflected in the way I function, but i'm lucky that's not the case... I feel like I live two seperate lives, the one that everyone sees and is so damn impressed with, and the one that I deal with - when i'm alone, with only my own thoughts in my head that aren't happy... that do not feel that I deserve the compliments and positive recognition I constantly recieve.

Imagine that? Finally earning respect and performing exponentially, and not wanting the recognition for it... this is my rock and my hard place

until next time...